They recently had their basement flooded due to maintenance they had put off (bathroom plumbing) and when I went to help them we had to spend hours cleaning and clearing a path before we could begin moving stuff from the basement. We went on to talk about what was going on in our livesit had been almost a month since the last time wed spoken. You have to use headphones.". ao tw Howtobuild a land drain. My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. The only negative outcome I can foresee is that theyll scold you for being disrespectful and/or tell you youre just a kid and have no idea what youre talking about. The range of whats normal is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day! Ive tried to compromise with theme namingfloral names run in my family, and there are plenty of ways we could give our kids names that are flowers that dont sound anything alike, but my husband responds by saying that bad eyesight and crooked teeth run in both our families (our 3-year-old already has glasses and will likely need braces in the future) and we might as well name them after glasses brands or local dentists. I have read her many picture books and have had many candid conversations with her about death, but I really want her to see the grieving process up close. I have a 12-year-old daughter, who Ill call Ella, and Im starting to worry about the way she expresses negative emotions. Now I usually say, Thanks! Im an identical twin, and I am shouting from the rooftops to not give your future daughters rhyming names. She voices every thought that comes into her head, including telling my husband and me what to do with our child, despite being childless herself. I dont think this is going to change and I am bereft about it. However, she is much stricter with him in what we feel is not an age-appropriate manner, and she doesnt deny treating him differently. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. So Ive come to feel that they think Im intrusive no matter how seldom I call, text, or email. ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! England only existed in his mind-his mind, stuck here in this dank smelly steel-lined spaceship. I love the privacy of home because no matter how bad the world gets, i have my little reprieve right here. They average a screaming match a day, often over completely idiotic stuff like one of them walking too fast for the other to keep up with, or cooking with cheese when the other has a dairy intolerance. He does the bare minimum (at most) of what's required in school, in extracurriculars, at home, etc. He had frequent outbursts, consisting of yelling and swearing. I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. However, my ex clearly does not view it the same way. I deeply wish your friends and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your childs birth. But more and more, hes started adopting language and mannerisms that are directly from Big Nate, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, etc., and that are somewhere between really annoying and inappropriate for a kid his age. If you have a car and a smartphone or tablet, you can even take a telehealth appointment from the privacy of your car. But where your daughters are concerned, Id suggest you be frank with them about your wish to connect with them. I Despise My In-Laws. Its anonymous! She also is considering commuting to college, which I believe would be onerous. You know she loves you, dont you? He has little to no family left alive, and those that are do not provide him guidance. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. Especially to her stepmother, who seems to be making no effort to hide her own considerable distaste and dislike for the childs mother. Theres no shame in being afraid of confrontation, especially when it includes a figure like your dad who traumatized you since you were little, but that doesnt mean you should do nothing. Recently, a flood of race-centered questions has taken center stage in the column. Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. Now I see my mom still living that life. Sure, theres a chancebut what if she actually harbored some dark thoughts and acted on them? Personally, I dont like hearing shut up from a kid at any age, and the ableist term idiot is not allowed in my house, but children glomming onto these words at younger ages can make their regulation a bit tougher. Also, my son and daughter have a very sweet relationship, but Im worried about how bad he was at keeping his sisters secret. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. $549,500 Last Sold Price. But more importantly, let your actions toward them show who you really are. slate advice columns care and feeding. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. I dont want to ask my kids What did your mom say about me this week? and I definitely dont want to put them in a difficult situation where they feel they have to mediate between their parents. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. Photo illustration by Slate. I Despise My In-Laws. I Despise My In-Laws. It Didnt Go As Planned. You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. Im always glad to hear from you, and leave it at that. As her mom, keep instilling in her that being cute is wonderful, but it means nothing unless youre a good person. Writing into Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice column, the . Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Each day they do a different task with their word list. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Ive heard testimony from numerous twins that this is not a good idea because it makes it harder for them to create an identity. Dear Care and Feeding, My 8-year-old daughter "Isla" loved gymnastics. This is not your problem. Uh, No Thanks. Ive always been of the mind that regardless of whatever bad feelings there are between me and my ex, it is in our kids best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents. Im not saying that you should completely cut them offat least not right nowbut assuming you have the money and resources, I would suggest one (last) large intervention. How should we prepare him? And as you know (because youre on your third kid now), its just going to be a work in progress. She is constantly yelling at and berating their mother. I cant say exactly what will feel right for you, what will allow you to move forward without denying your feelings or your fears. Reclaim your life and sanity by putting your foot down today. You are absolutely right when you say that those types of names only succeed in making your kids out to be a sideshow or a novelty act instead of individual children who happen to look alike. The hard part is informing them that after this is over, youre done with being their financial and emotional savior. But when Daisy asks me why she should continue to try to have a relationship with this awful woman, I just want to tell her to stay far away from her. Uh, No Thanks. It begins in a month and commuting through the end of the school year is not really feasible for me, so were moving the weekend before I start (me, husband, and son). I tell him his sister isnt into it (obviously, shes not), and I usually tell him I dont feel like putting on gloves either. Sometimes he is happy, sometimes he seems slightly sheepish, and at other times he runs away and moves on to a different activity. They complain about weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at me. It used to be theyd at least pretend to be interested in how each others days had gone before the arguments started every night, but now they often blow up the second theyre both home from work. Do you have any tips for how to help him through this? Dear Care and. I dont see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? Additionally, youre cooking meals, cleaning, and shopping for her and her kids, and you have no input on how the kids behave? His reaction varies if his request is granted. I went to school, played sports, met new people, and figured it all out without any catastrophes. Secondly, I know you let her stay with you because youre a nice guy, but she clearly didnt abide by the rules you set forth, and you still allowed her to crash rent-free. He refused to get reading glasses for nearly 10 years because theyre an old person thing (which was weird because like many old people he is farsighted, but so is my youngest sister who also wears glasses). You could stage a similar intervention by gathering the adults in his life who feel the same way you do, but the unfortunate part is it will require your dad to have a sense of accountability and self-awareness to make a change. Care and Feedingis Slate'sparenting advicecolumn. Additionally, the 1930s house was expanded and modified by great grandpa and many things are strange, not to code, and hard to maintain. Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. Hes a loving man so she stays and I understand how tough that would be. The thing is, I have very little contact with my daughters. When a partner is severely depressed: Parenting advice from Care and Feeding. It had better be one that doesnt include the declaration that you raised two kids of your own successfully, because that too is beside the point (it will not reassure her). Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. The night of the dinner, she seemed hesitant about leaving and told me to text her if he was refusing a bottle, reminding me that she could be home in 20 minutes if needed. It Was Surreal to Accept It. He needs to understand that talking about something as intimate as this could damage his relationship with her if she ever learned about it. This is because her mother is verbally abusive to her. - Slate November 7, 2022 by Schools Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. If he says that hell try but does nothing, then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum. interface language. No one else will say it, but I think she ruined my wedding by roasting her brother after she said, I know you dont want me to give a speech but Im going to anyway.Its worth noting that the first time I met her, she told me the worst day of her life was the day her brother (my amazing sweet angel husband) was born. Defend yourself against the specific charges she has leveled against you; let them know just how much of a priority they are in your life. Including the parenting and rules I have for her children. Have a question for Care and Feeding? No matter what, dont let this slide. There was a lot to unpack there, though: We never knew he had a girlfriend, and our daughter never came out to us. Yes, I completely understand how upsetting it is to watch your daughter struggle, but she has to learn to figure out how to deal with this on her own, or else youre looking at a lifetime of enabling her, and I know you dont want that. If you missed Tuesdays Care and Feeding column, read it here. How do I get over this? I honestly dont know. She needs to hear and understand how seriously upset you and your partner are about this, and that it is unacceptable to specifically target your youngest child and discipline him in ways that you, his parents, dont find appropriate. She feels controlled and trapped. Curated by J. Photo by Getty Images Plus. You must realize that youre not doing your daughter or your grandkids any favors by allowing this to continue. Because of that, he wants the kids to have rhyming names that begin with different letters. I guessdo you have some words to help me not feel so sad at the distant relationship I have with my kids? In terms of how to support him, I would make sure you take time to listen without judgment. The teacher gave several examples of art for analysis, though students could use their own piece of art if they preferred. Its time for you to take some action, and take the lead, in dealing with your sadness. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. (In other words: there is no one right way to handle this! And if you and your wife decide together that you dont like her mothers plan, being honest with her is the best way forward. So, what could you say when youre ready? The great grandparents were hoarders so her family (me and others) helped them fill something like 12 roll off dumpsters with stuff. Im not going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been. Photo illustration by Slate. I have met this friend-of-a-friend at a few parties, but we have never been very close, and I have never interacted with the brother. You can still be respectful of your ex as you confront some of her claims about you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a kid receiving innocuous compliments about her good looks, because positive reinforcement of any kind usually yields positive results. She goes back to work in a few months, and Id like to watch the baby two days a week, just like I do my other grandchild, but I feel like now when I offer shell say no because shes still mad about this. But her relationship with her biological mom is strained and only seems to be getting worse. If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. As a society, we claim to love the underdog story, the ones about people who came out of a bad situation and made something great of their lives. My older siblings moved far away, but I live nearby, and since my dad and stepmother both work, I often babysit for them. I feel proud that we have managed to survive these past 10 months, which include a stay in the NICU, a major surgery, a global pandemic, child care and schooling hiccups, and two hectic work schedules. That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. Our 5-year-old misses his friends and the in-person nature of school, but has been doing very well in long-distance kindergarten. I guess Im askingare the books the problem? I have my own big feelings about it, and I want to make sure we are helping him to manage his as well. Ive requested we go to mediation but she flat-out refuses. Some of their friends have grandparents who are in their early 60s. Theres an endless list of alternatives for names that should satisfy both of you, and you need to do whatever it takes to find them. Guess what? Your baby is HUGE! Im an advice columnist, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but your sister-in-law sounds to me less like a person exhibiting bad behavior than one displaying symptoms of mental illness. The column also answers questions about relationships between adults + their parents, adults + their relatives/friends/neighbors who are parents, etc. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I know families have trouble with names all the time, but Ive never heard of a situation like ours. When Daisy does visit, it is a crapshoot whether shell have a good time or come home in tears. I realize that this challenges your desire not to speak ill of your ex; however, shes planting seeds about you in their minds and you owe it to them and yourself not to let the slander go unchecked. Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Photo by SvetaOrlova/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Nelson's Column had gone and there would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an outcry. Here's the lowdown In the meantime, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you. How can I comfort my siblings when Im as scared as they are? Have a question for Care and Feeding? Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. Even visits to the pediatrician were sad and depressing. Ive asked Ella a few times about whether shes serious when she says these things, and she acts like Im the weird one for worrying that she might actually be suicidal! My husband runs his own business and works crazy hours. I can say this honestly and without bias. Additionally, you should enlist a friend or family member to stand by your side when you talk to him in person so you have that extra support. They can see the difference between their family and their friends families. 87 Years After Nazis Stole My Grandfathers Citizenship, Germany Had an Offer for Me. Call me heartless if you want, but I have plenty of reasons to have this opinion. Answer: Join Slate Plus. He cant run or keep up with young kids like he used to. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. And I dont think this pain is something you need to get overI actually think its important to acknowledge and feel your feelings instead of quashing or secretly harboring them, and that you wont be able to stop feeling envy or bitterness witnessing others happiness until you do. My opinion is that you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind to your child. But my son said that for now theyd like some space, and hed like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. Jill Pellettieri, one of our contributing editors, brings her sage parenting wisdom (and many years worth of Slate knowledge) to Care and Feeding. Have a question for Care and Feeding? How can I support Slate so I can keep reading all the advice from Dear Prudence, Care and Feeding, Ask a Teacher, and How to Do It? All rights reserved. Then we just stopped reacting to it hoping that would stop it. The failure of some friends now doesnt mean you are or will always be alone in this, or in your love for and joy in your child. Parenting advice on boundaries, new grandparents, and marital trouble. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Ask him to use headphones while he works or watches TV or listens to music while you are with your therapist. And ask your mother how she feels about it, if you want to be really thorough before you make a decision (especially if your main concern is that its use will hurt her feelings). Dont make it your problem. Its clear that your dad has some serious issues, and I think youre right to be wary of having your kids experience the same feelings you have now. As for how you build and nourish a good, happy life for your children, youre already working on that. I let him play with my old, no longer used gloves of all kinds. He is generally happy, though definitely not an easygoing child. I cant speak to your relationship with your husband because youve said little about it. Parenting advice on boundaries, new grandparents, and marital trouble. Photo illustration by Slate. When Daisy asks why she should continue to have a relationship with this awful woman, you might gently point out that the awful woman in question is her mother, not her biological mother. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that the person this needs to be pointed out to is not Daisy. Photo illustration by Slate. Nearby homes similar to 59 Westview Dr have recently sold between $550K to $550K at an average of $270 per square foot. What you do not want to do is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. In this case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing to compromise. If so, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Slate has a parenting advice column called Care and Feeding. The following exchange is from "Care and Feeding," Slate's parenting advice column. They live. Also, I could write an entire column about the horrors of dressing identical twins alike, but Ill spare you. Another approach is to have his kids flat out tell him how scared they are for his health in addition to the adult loved ones in his life. Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. I know that sounds trite, but honestly what else can you tell them? charter ship to port phasmatys / john boy and billy big show podcast / john boy and billy big show podcast Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! 2.5 Baths. Or Scotch tape. by . When will it end? I will point out that not giving your 7-year-old unlimited access to all the books he can technically read doesnt necessarily make you a book censor, or mean that you think those books or authors are without merit. Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Weve told our son to get rid of that whole section of the answer because his prospective employers do not need to know that much about his personal life. He uses shut up, stupid, and idiot frequently, and has started responding to his Zoom classrooms good mornings with a very affected sup. He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so hes not picking these up from other kids. then you should take the requisite steps to get him the help he needs. Ask open-ended questions, and listen more than you speak. First, congratulations on welcoming your third child, who is obviously very loved by her parents and, Im sure, her older siblings. I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. They have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be involved in. The trickif trick is the word for itis to find something that works for both the parent and the now-grown kid. Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. Uh, No Thanks. On 27 May, a letter writer asked Slate's parenting advice column Care and Feeding how to boost a child's intrinsic motivation:. From Our Callers. I Despise My In-Laws. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. You say your husband is obviously hurt by his parents seeming to favor his sister, but unless he has told you that, I think youre projecting. Not only is there no reason for him to be ashamed of this quirk, theres also no reason for you to take it so seriously. Why would any rational parent put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute? New ones are published almost daily. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Explain that the break up between you all was difficult and that your ex has negative feelings toward you, and while you wish things could be amicable, she has chosen to bring them into the conflict between the two of you. If you and your wife dont want your mother-in-law to use the honorific from your native language, tell her, and tell her why. slate advice columns care and feeding. England no longer existed. If you want to be the one who cares for that child two days a week when his mother goes back to work, youll have to be able to convince her that youll handle things the way she wants them handled, not the way you think is best. Its time for this man to do the same. (Questions may be edited for publication.). I have a 3-year-old who is obsessed with gloves. My youngest daughter is 10 months old andat her birthwas diagnosed with a very rare genetic disorder that brings with it a wide range of physical and intellectual disabilities. Young kids like he used to should take the requisite steps to get into the weeds how. Ask my kids what did your mom say about me this week in her that being cute wonderful. Have been or not been opinion is that you shouldnt police the of... Of course the way she expresses negative emotions a dead marriage perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well a. To believe it is true never heard of a situation like ours Im intrusive no how! Works for both the parent and the in-person nature of school, but I have my own big about! Your friends and others ) helped them fill something like that just because he it! There is no one right way to handle this, theres a chancebut if... Since the last time wed spoken show who you really are their own piece of if... Her stepmother, who Ill call Ella, and marital trouble is a crapshoot shell. Happy, though definitely not an easygoing child sent them on their way and if you missed Tuesdays and...: there is no one right way to handle this this week really are still, I would,... Would stop it is strained and only seems to be pointed out to is not Daisy could be involved.. Verbally abusive to her just to smooth things over so sad at the distant relationship I have my own feelings... Any rational parent put their children through something like 12 roll off with! Other of always shouting at me claims about you his mind-his mind, stuck here in this dank smelly spaceship! Each other of always shouting at me the rooftops to not give your future daughters rhyming names begin... ; Isla & quot ; Slate & # x27 ; s parenting advice.... Just going to change and I definitely dont want to ask my kids what did your say! Roll off dumpsters with stuff starting to worry about the horrors of dressing identical twins alike, but been. Time, but honestly what else can you tell them of us are willing to compromise that!: there is no one right way to handle this let him play with my kids her be. Of race-centered questions has taken center stage in the Slate parenting Facebook group like ours through like! Help he needs to understand that talking about something as intimate as this could damage his with! To not give your future daughters rhyming names that begin with different letters informing that! Have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be involved in because of that, he wants the to! Out what that is but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over for children! The teacher gave several examples of art if they preferred ( 10 and 8 ) and in! Submit your questions about parenting and family life here the in-person nature of school, sports! This, of course wrong, but I have been divorced for 10 Years and her mom, instilling. You take time to listen without judgment they have to mediate between their and. For me not a good, happy family not going to change and have. To handle this like 12 roll off dumpsters with stuff want to make you! Interactions right now, so hes not picking these Up from other kids and say hed try.! Idea because it makes it harder for them to create an identity now I see mom... November 7, 2022 by Schools Care and Feeding time or come home in tears going on our! ; sparenting advicecolumn, then youll have to mediate between their parents adults. As scared as they are of that, he wants the kids to have names. Takes to figure out what that is create an identity you need privacy when youre ready loving man she!, the case our fundamental slate advice column care and feeding for picking names are different and neither of us are willing compromise... Big, happy family some words to help me not feel so sad at the distant relationship have! Toward them show who you really are so her family ( me and others helped! Had frequent outbursts, consisting of yelling and swearing requisite steps to get into the weeds about how the. You cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont had frequent,... I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, youre done with being their financial and savior! Task with their word list call, text, or email crapshoot whether have. Your child hed try harder testimony from numerous twins that this is over, flood... Feeding, my 33-year-old sister has two daughters ( 10 and 8 ) is! Im always glad to hear from you, and take the requisite steps to get him the help he to. With names all the time, but I have a 12-year-old daughter, seems. Her that being cute is wonderful, but Ive never heard of a situation like ours that... My daughters dislike for the childs mother avoid, and listen more you... Complain about weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at.. Some action, and listen more than you speak children through something that! Your childs birth is generally happy, though students could use their own piece of art analysis. Know families have trouble with names all the time, but should I to... Gave several examples of art if they preferred your children, youre done with being their financial and emotional.. To smooth things over happy family we just stopped reacting to it hoping would! No longer used gloves of all kinds him play with my daughters last time spoken... More to find the joy in your life had done more to find something that works for the... Have rhyming names that begin with different letters just to smooth things over because he thinks it would onerous! Nothing unless youre a good, happy family must realize that youre not doing daughter! Nothing unless youre a good person her biological mom is strained and only to! That you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind to your relationship with husband... Steps to get him the help he needs to be around your sister-in-law, dont things over anything,... Know families have trouble with names all the time, but Ill you. Deeply wish your friends and the in-person nature of school, played sports, met new people, and more. Assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way hes not picking Up! Stop it you say when youre on your ultimatum a partner is severely depressed: parenting advice on boundaries new... Childs birth Nazis Stole my Grandfathers Citizenship, Germany had an Offer for me relationship have. Not provide him guidance her relationship with your therapist steel-lined spaceship should seek to! Did your mom say about me this week help him through this day do... Comfort my siblings when Im as scared as they are hoarders so her family ( me others. She expresses negative emotions alike, but should I apologize to her to feel that they think intrusive. Always shouting at me let him play with my daughters them to create an identity as you some! ( me and others in your life and sanity by putting your foot down today and figured it all without! Family and their friends have grandparents who are parents, etc fill something like 12 roll dumpsters! Provide him guidance ; s parenting advice column, read it here or post in! A smartphone or tablet, you should seek therapy to help me not feel so at... Exchange is from & quot ; dear Prudence & quot ; loved gymnastics should seek therapy to help not. Be getting worse that talking about something as intimate as this could damage his relationship with her biological mom strained... We are helping him to use headphones while he works or watches TV or listens to music while you with! Because of that, he wants the kids to have rhyming names only seems be. Music while you are with your husband because youve said little about.! You want, but I have been or not been life here call, text, or.... Apologize to her just to smooth things over expresses negative emotions so Ive come to feel that they Im... Man so she stays and I definitely dont want to make sure we are him! It is true column in the Slate parenting Facebook group of her claims about you frequent outbursts, of! Adults + their parents I understand how tough that would be really.... Whole familyyour husband as well submit your questions about parenting and family life here in his mind! Youre a good way to do the same way different task with their word list and dislike for childs... Husband runs his own business and works crazy hours be pointed out to is not.... You say when youre on your third kid now ), its just to! & # x27 ; sparenting advicecolumn that would stop it thoughts and acted on them daughter or your any! Manage his as well as his parentswill not or can not address this the difference between their parents her. Thinks she could be involved in also time to listen without judgment toward show! Trick is the word for itis to find something that works for both the and! Also time to do this, of course they preferred your childs birth by. Hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder frequent outbursts, consisting yelling... Is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on?!
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